Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Don't Forget the Baby!

One of the things I feared most happened last night. I asked my husband to go out to the office (we run a home-based business, the office is practically in our garage) to check on something. On the way out, he nearly stepped on our toddler, Rowan. I mean, he had to step around her because she was in the doorway, and he closed the door behind both her and him.

That wasn't the bad part. About five minutes later, I heard a pounding on the outside screen door. It was Rowan, asking to be let back in! Dave was in the office with the door closed. I went to confront Dave, and he said that he, "Never heard her."

This scares me to death. I had hoped to take a short, just-me vacation in a few weeks, just find a hotel somewhere where I can have a bath without either Rowan or Dave bursting in on me, where I can read a book without disruption, take in some sights without translating in rough hand gestures for Dave. How can I leave, if I am afraid he might not "hear" Rowan in some other situation?

And let's not forget for a minute that this really had nothing to do with "hearing" Rowan. He had to step around her to get out the door. He almost stepped ON her on the way out the door. He closed the door behind the two of them. I know his attention wavers, a side-effect of the stroke. But, how could he not pay attention to our little girl?

What am I going to do?

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Who is my husband?

It is really late, and I am really tired, and that is when I have thoughts like these:

I get soooo frustrated, just as much as my husband, but for different reasons. I need to know that things will be ok. I need to know what mannerisms are my husband, and which are "just the stroke talking". Is he being obstinate? Is he punishing me because I can still talk?

That last sounds bad. He does not physically hurt me. But, for all the times I have had to push him to do his homework, for all the times we have had long discussions, only to find out that he said the complete opposite of what he intended all the way through, for all the times he has told me that he will do something, then magically "forget" five minutes later..... It is all very tiring, and even after two years, I find myself crying while he is asleep, wondering when I will be able to trust him enough where I don't have to double-check his every move.

I think back to when his stroke first occurred. One of the few times I was home that month, I jumped online and looked for an online support group. I found one - I don't remember the name, but is was for young stroke patients, and it was riddled with spammers. I posted to one of the groups that had recent activity from real stroke victims, and posted a plea. "I am five months pregnant, I feel all alone, my husband just had a stroke, I don't know if he will be alive tomorrow, I need to know everything will be ok."

I'm still looking for an answer.